Oh Fuck My Life

Why do I always let things pile up until they're ready to explode? My room, my homework, my emotions... Why do I bottle things up? It's so ridiculous... I feel so silly when I do that and time comes for everything to just spill out of its container in a horrible, dramatic mess of liquid frustration.

Today, my mom went in for an emergency mammogram. She told me about it last night, so I should have had reacted to it already, right? But no. I'm reacting to it right now, during school, and I feel ridiculous. I haven't even heard the results yet and I'm freaking out. Gwen pretty much said how silly that is, which didn't really help things. I didn't really say anything to her, though, because she was already doing so much for me like getting me a bottle of water, tissues, a wet paper towel to put on my face...

I think Gwen figured out that it isn't just my mom's situation that's troubling me, but a bunch of things. I didn't tell her what other things were going on and she didn't ask. I kind of miss the social worker from my old school because I could dump everything going on in my life on her and then feel so much better. I could tell the social worker about how stressed I am with school projects and the like. How my luck with guys is fucking terrible. How I have no where to really study at my house because it's too full of random crap to even have a cleared off table. I could talk to that woman for literally hours. She was amazingly always calm and soothing to hear.

I'm trying desperately to calm down but I just can't... And I desperately want to be able to. I want to continue the school day but I don't know if I can. I'm really looking forward to 5th and 6th hour. 5th hour is my science fiction class and in my AP American History class is 6th hour. We're going to watch a video on the Salem Witch Trials. I've never learned much about those happenings in our country's history. Bah.

Fuck. Whenever I think about going back to class, I'm fine for a moment, but then the waterworks start again. The curse of sensitivity. I suppose I should tell Gwen that I don't think I'll be able to finish the day... But I want to finish it... Apparently not enough, though. I want to keep writing. Jebus is the internet useful for that. Easy writing, no hand cramps, ink smears, scratched out letters and messiness.

I hope Bob doesn't cut off her foot. That would be a silly thing. Gimp Bobs are not good. I'm touched that she's so worried, though. I'm a mess. How would I even get home? Walk? That would suck. Suck ass. Eight blocks up hill in the freezing weather. I guess being at home would be that much more rewarding.

It's freezing in this room. My leg hairs are standing up beneath my pants which is kind of an awkward thing. I hear a sword fight... I wonder what movie they're watching in Caleb's class?

I have nothing really to say anymore...